Thoughts on Equilibrium, Giving Up Coffee, Breathwork, and Upcoming Offerings
Tranquilo Gratitude
A few days after my first major retreat Tranquilo ended, someone asked how I felt. “Aren’t you thrilled that your dream came true?” I replied, “Yes, of course,” but really it wasn’t a resounding thrill ringing inside of my body. I got curious about it. Why wasn’t I elated?
It wasn’t my perfectionistic side, recounting all the things I would have done differently because I knew in my mind and felt in my body, that all first attempts illuminate the unexpected, which is all part of the retreat process. And, it wasn’t that it failed. The families had an exceptional time as did folks in the community who participated and helped out who deemed it as “life changing and heart opening.” I realized that my former highs and lows were often stories connected to trauma responses. I didn’t feel compelled or pulled by either of these. I wasn’t a screw up or a victor. What did I feel? Equilibrium. Peace. I trusted myself and felt steady in the accomplishment. And gratitude that my pendulum no longer has to swing to such extremes.
Giving up Coffee
Recently, Michael decided it would be better for his health to give up coffee. I immediately wanted to do it along with him as I love a challenge and wanted to be on the same page. For various stretches of my life I didn’t drink coffee, but after having Lazlo at age 43, somehow I felt like coffee was part of my coping mechanism that got me through that sleepless three months of colic. And a warm cup just stuck, going on ten years now. I love the taste of coffee with a little oatmilk, and it did give me a fierce boost of focus and energy. If I had to get several things done in the morning, that dark roasted gold pouring from my French press into my cup was the key to my effectiveness and drive. While it didn’t replace exercise or meditation, I still felt like I needed it. The result was around 3pm I could feel my body fall into a major slump.
Without coffee for the first two days I felt vague, clammy, and sort of unsettled. I drank black tea as a way to wean myself. Day three the migraine hit. I likened it to my eyes being scooped out with grapefruit spoons. Advil did nothing. Brutal. Day four, the fog and pain lifted. And I felt lighter and overall more balanced. Again that equilibrium thing. No more high-highs, or crashing lows. Do I miss the taste? Yes!! I’m hoping a friend brings some good quality loose leaf tea or some of that mudwater mushroom brew soon to redirect my pinings.
I do feel more connected to my body without it. And, I’m more productive with normal breaks throughout my day. I can do an activity after 3 pm. I’m not dogmatic, so I might enjoy a cup for pleasure (I envision myself drinking some with Michael in European cafés). Or I might still have a cup for a specific need like to stay awake into the wee hours grading or working on something with a firm deadline. But it feels good to be disentangled from the unconscious habit.
Breathwork Practitioner Training
I’ve posted several times about becoming a certified meditation teacher and have shared my meditations on Insight Timer. Last fall during my Gateless Teacher Training in Connecticut, I participated in an active breathwork session. I had done various breathwork sessions a few times before that with some results, but nothing quite like this. The somatic release (shaking, tingling, crying, etc.) was intense. You’ve probably seen large group sessions of these blasted all over IG and facebook.
It felt more effective than the years of talk therapy that I had experienced in the past. I think it was a mix of where I was on my own healing journey from childhood and adult trauma and the lovely guides’ knowledge and compassion, but, whew, it worked. It planted a seed in me to become a breathwork practitioner. I’m completing my training now and am loving it.
Upcoming Events
Write the Fire
Join me for an Online Gateless Method Writing using Breath of Fire and generative prompts to get your work on the page that’s been burning in you. (All levels welcome). Session includes a short craft talk on how writing can be a tool to fight disempowerment through reimagining. This will be followed by an introduction to Breath of Fire, a meditation, 25 minutes of writing time, and Gateless feedback. We will meet for two and a half hours. Limited to 8 participants. (Tuesday, August 22, 2023 6pm PST). $55. Write the Fire
Harvest Wellness Retreat
If you are going to be in the California Bay Area in October, you won’t want to miss this opportunity. On October 8, 2023 from 10am-4:30pm, I’m teaming up with some of my favorite women: Christine Falcone Daigle, Holiday Johnson, and Janine Cook for a day of deep healing and care through yoga, Gateless writing, mindfulness, and energy work. The retreat will be hosted and catered in a lovely Mill Valley home. More details and a link to sign up will be announced very soon. Send me a note if you are interested. (Limited to 10 participants).