Thoughts on Rituals & Our Upcoming Retreat
A bit of history, science and personal experience with rituals.
This morning I didn’t get up to take the dogs for a walk. Instead I sat outside on my yoga mat, drank coffee, did a short meditation (while the dogs whined) and decided to read Suleika Jaouad’s Substack essay on Sustenance in which she describes how her family’s rituals of eating meals together continue to sustain her despite her cancer journey and lack of appetite. It’s a beauty of an essay, and it had me reflecting on how rituals are an essential part of being a human that experiences safety. The word “safety” stuck with me and sent me down a rabbit hole. What’s the relationship between safety and rituals?
When I say that rituals are part of being human, research continues to deepen and confirm that statement. Evidence of the oldest ritual is now marked to be 70,000 years old, much older than previously thought at 20,000 years in Europe. Most rituals can be traced back to safety from disease and death. The repetition of an act in groups or alone biologically creates a sense of safety, reducing anxiety or other difficult emotions like grief—think about the rituals around honoring those who have died. The anthropological and archeological examples are brimming with evidence that make the annual journey to Mecca or wearing the lucky piece of clothing before a performance feel logical.
Domestic Rituals
Growing up, we didn’t eat at the table together or have a morning or evening ritual. Too much focus was on paying bills, providing the basics, and avoiding conflicts. This was the same for my husband, Michael. Our lack of rituals in our early lives is present today as Michael, Lazlo and I don’t eat together either, for which I carry some guilt and a line up of rationalizations. The only two rituals I grew up with included school and church. I never left the classroom, making teaching my profession after nineteen years of education. Attending church as a ritual didn’t start until I was about eight years old after a lot of unsafe and chaotic experiences in my home.
Religious Rituals
In 1978 Little Country Church met in a school gym, passed around Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets for their tithes and were hyper focused on spiritual warfare. The church was routinely rocked by financial and sexual scandals, not the foundation of faith or security I was seeking, but I persisted. One Sunday, I was even left by my family in the parking lot for an extra hour as they overlooked that I wasn’t in the car. Yet, I became attached to the predictability of memorizing and singing certain songs, receiving cookies and juice, and spending a few hours in proximity to sober and seemingly happy people. I invested almost twenty years attending, studying, and devoting myself to the rituals associated with Christianity: prayers, Sunday services, Bible studies, Awanas, evangelizing in parks and malls, mission trips to Mexico, Christmas and Easter musicals, Christian school, fundraisers and more. In the early nineties, when the dogma of evangelical Christianity didn’t square with my physical or mental safety, I knew it was time to leave. Leaving was harder than I anticipated.
Did I miss aspects of the Sunday ritual? Yes. Socially and spiritually I longed for more but felt adrift. Research shows that one of the most powerful aspects of rituals is the social bonding it creates. However, the social bonding can be galvanized to harm others: think of the group bias that can turn into fraternity and sorority hazing, hate groups, and Christian nationalists. For a bit of history on Christian nationalism and where it sits today, here’s a nice overview.
I wanted a different kind of ritual. And, I reflected on people I knew who had routines that I witnessed. My ex mother-in-law would wake up at 5am every morning, run three miles and do a Bible study before anyone woke up, but she was also an unhappy and judgemental person, so her morning routine didn’t correlate into something positive. I remembered my Uncle Dick, who was a pastor when I was a kid and later became a professor. Every time he visited from Oregon, he rose at the crack of dawn and walked to a doughnut shop to eat a pastry, drink coffee, talk to strangers, and read the newspaper. He was and is an exceptional human, so this gave me an idea of ritual, but I was too young at the time to be curious and was not a clear on how a sweet pastry and a walk would work for me.
For years after leaving the church, my only rituals were teaching, writing and reading, and these were satisfying creatively, intellectually, and occasionally socially when I would meet and befriend other writers. But I still struggled with unconscious anxiety and shame—and a spiritual vacuum.
It’s no secret that in the late 1990s, I found solace in yoga and meditation, but I wasn’t consistent and could never get my footing. In 2010, I focused on consistency to see if the results would shift. They did. I started really small like drinking a glass of water every morning and making my bed, showing up for myself in a way that no one had before. I kept organically building consistency and trust in myself. Fast forward 15 or so years.
Now, I do a series of actions that bring me joy. Yes, joy. Mornings typically consists of moving my body in nature, guided meditation and breathwork, and coffee with writing. I’m not dogmatic about my rituals. I retrained my mind to release negative thoughts around missing or altering some aspect of this morning ritual, but I have grown very consistent because I LOVE my mornings. My rituals require me to be present in my mind and body—this normally translates into a flood of oxytocin and dopamine.
Overtime, I have been trying to bring more ritual into other parts of my day and with my family members. I feel ready to do this as I build capacity and flexibility. Maybe soon, it will translate into some regular meal at a table.
Camino Adentro Retreat
February 21-25, 2024, Aves Resort and Retreat Center Montezuma, Costa Rica
Camino Adentro: A Way Inside is a transformational retreat where you’ll have the opportunity to reset your nervous system and pave the way for an extraordinary 2025—a year of joy and fulfillment. Lux accommodations, ocean views, and daily activities and meals especially crafted with love.
Camino Adentro is for you if you are ready
To feel into your innate power & inner wisdom through breathwork, the written work sound & yoga
To feel fully alive, open energetically & dream bigger
To shift emotionally & collapse time
To explore ALL parts of you and experience play
To have real, raw, honest conversations and plenty of spaciousness to let it all settle in and integrate
An all-inclusive bucket list experience that makes you feel seen, heard & held in a way that only propels you forward
A place that allows you to zoom out & see the path ahead with more clarity & excitement than ever before
Reach out if you have questions or reserve your spot today with a $500 deposit. Payment plans and discounts are available.
Big Love,
Kimberly
As always, beautiful and thoughtful writing. I love the glimpses into your past lives. So honored and humbled to know and love you, Kimberly. Thank you for all you so generously share of yourself with the world.