When Gratitude Slips Away
How to recognize it and get back on track
A few weeks ago, I pulled something in my low back. My hip felt out of alignment. A dull and sometimes sharp pain was radiating continuously. It wasn’t as severe as when I pulled it many years ago while visiting the Redding area and could barely sit or hold back tears, but it was significant enough for me to avoid taking the dogs for a walk or picking up anything heavy. Whenever I have a physical aliment, I take stock mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
What is my body telling me that I have been ignoring?
Physically, I was doing yoga and stretching daily for about 20 minutes, doing some light weights, sometimes swimming and / or walking about a few miles a day. No problems there.
Mentally, I had a ton to be happy about: I had extended time with Harrison, his dad had made some changes so he could return to his routine he loves. I had survived my teaching in the SF Bay area, away from Michael and Lazlo and felt really supported. My friend Nikki was back in Cabuya, and my sister was visiting me in Costa Rica for the first time. Seemingly, all good in my mind.
Spiritually, I was meditating and doing breathwork daily, allowing myself to ground, release emotions, (though I noticed not many were surfacing), and connect in nature and with my animals. As Harrison would say, “check!” No issues here.
Emotionally… hmmm. I was holding a lot for others. Harrison and Lazlo separately have big emotional swings that aren’t predictable but that we are used to managing. However, putting them together after many months apart, several flashpoints emerged. Lazlo would pester Harrison, lure him into doing or saying bad things, or just whack him unprovoked. When we would eventually get them both settled, Lazlo would say things like “I don’t want my brother to leave again.” or “Mom, what’s the cure for Harrison? Can’t we take him to the doctor to make him normal?” Whoa. That was rough, but I kept on rolling. Harrison was wanting to know and perseverating on his schedule past, present and future, a lot of which I couldn’t confirm. This frustration could send Harrison into nervous system meltdowns. To prevent these in the short term, I did regular in-house manicures, pedicures, blade shaving, buzz cuts, walking the dogs, and swimming laps, but no time or space to really process.
Integration Was Halted
Fast forward a few weeks: I’m at my sister’s house in South Carolina without work, kids, or much of the schedule I normally navigate. I led her in a breathwork session, took walks, stretched, lifted weights, ate well, meditated, talked about Brainspotting, Gateless writing, Human Design, recent Podcasts , and other things that get me excited, yet I remained somehow flat, not connecting the dots as to why my back (though improving) was still twinging, and I wasn’t feeling energized about anything. During a meditation on gratitude, it hit me.
Yes, I was accepting of many challenges I have that are ongoing, but I was not actually fostering gratitude. My sister Marcy, a licensed therapist who specializes in EMDR and other somatic therapies, was talking about how good therapists will give homework, often taking action in a direction when a client is stuck. I realized, I needed to give myself some homework around gratitude. I had to remind myself that gratitude wasn’t just forcing myself to mentally check off some appreciation list for the people and situations in my life.
Gratitude is not Transactional
During my meditation, I realized that I was thinking grateful thoughts and feeling small waves of it from time to time, but I was stretched so thin emotionally that I was honestly not experiencing gratitude in my body or integrating it into many of my actions. Furthermore, my emotional reserves were dry because I was waiting for challenges to shift BEFORE I was allowing myself to embody gratitude. When X happens, I will be able to do or feel Y. This is a red flag for me as it is a slippery slope to victimhood, a neighborhood I left long ago.
Research on Gratitude
Part of my homework was to reread the research on gratitude. The recent science continues to prove that gratitude can be fostered (you control it) and it helps with anxiety, depression, social behavior, health, and aging. And, I like the review of this study on college students, those with whom I often work with and who juggle a lot of mental health issues. Researchers found that expressing gratitude (they used letter writing) alters parts of the brain associated with attentiveness, empathy, and positive emotion. Interestingly, this effect lasted months after the act of writing the gratitude letter.
How to Better Practice Gratitude
Want to practice some gratitude with me? There are numerous ways to foster gratitude, but some work better for me than others. I write a lot creatively and for work, so gratitude journals aren’t my thing. What does work? One thing that helps me that I’m going to implement is adding visual reminders: post-its on my desk, bathroom mirror, or kitchen cabinet where I keep the coffee mugs. A gratitude note to myself.
Next, I’m going to find one or two things in nature or my environment that I’m grateful for that are connected to the five senses and say them out loud—the basics in front of me. “I’m grateful the rain let up and I can see a patch of blue sky.” “I’m grateful for these clean sheets I’m sleeping on.” I’m grateful for this first sip of coffee and the warm mug in my hand.”
When I might notice a thought flying by that is negative regarding or connected to someone around me, I am going to stop myself and find one thing that I’m grateful for regarding that person and tell them instead. (Note: this isn’t applicable to abusive or toxic folks.) But for example, if I’m frustrated that my kiddo did the very thing I asked him not to, I will stop, exhale, and when my nervous system is settled give him a squeeze and say, “Thank you for clearing your dishes after breakfast this morning.” or “I’m so grateful that you have a creative mind. I love hearing your ideas.”
Moving Forward
Maybe you have been on a roll and are integrating your gratitude and feeling great. But if you may, like me, feel like you are emerging from a swamp of sorts. These actions might feel gimmicky or awkward, but I encourage you to try them anyway or tweak them to find a way that works for you. Let me know whether you feel more daily gratitude and perhaps a few glimpses of some joy emanating from your life.
Breathwork and Gateless Writing
I am available for two more clients for online Breathwork and / or Gateless writing sessions (They work well together.) If you want to know more, please reach out via email or call (408)-480-1828 and we can see if it is a good fit for you.